Missed a couple of days but I beat it today. It might be a bit of a downer but I hope you like it all the same…
My way or the highway, many people say. And the more and more I hear it the more I want to resist. There’s one way to do this or there’s one way to do that. What if I don’t want to do it your way? There can’t just be one way to do something. We are all individuals after all. Why do we constantly think that there’s one way or one answer to every question? There can’t just be one answer that works for everyone and everything.
I keep hearing people say that there is one way to deal with fear and anxiety in writing. Their seemingly insensitive answer always goes like this. Just write, as if it was simple, as if they couldn’t understand the turmoil writhing through my soul. How can I ‘just write’ when my inner home s burning everything I even think about it? How can they continue to proclaim their solution to writing when it rips at the seams of my soul? How can they tell me how to write my book?
Just write, the pain will go away. Then why does it increase when I try to do anything ‘good’ with my writing? Why can’t I do it like other writers seem to be able to do with ease? I know comparisons can kill but how can I stop those when I have all the blocks that nobody else can understand? Do they know that every time I try to write I am mercilessly stopped and cut down? Torn apart by the fact that I can’t do what everyone else does.
I can’t seem to do it that way. For some reason I’m stopped every time. Someone doesn’t want me to share this with the world. Maybe deep down it’s me who doesn’t want it to come. Maybe I’m stopping myself. Whatever it is I’ve hit rock bottom. I can’t write every day. I can’t hardly write in general because of the resistance I keep feeling. Don’t you dare tell me to just write as if I hadn’t already tired that.
Look deeper and you’ll see the scares of a broken soul. One who’s in love with her writing but can’t seem to write at all. Are you getting this? Do I need to elaborate more to you or are you getting it? There’s got to be another way writing is an individual thing after all. I just haven’t found it and it’s hard to be in a world where people put on the appearance of things being easy. It’s not and never will be.
I just hope I’m strong enough to make it through the days that I feel like I’ve been hit on every side with doubt and cut by the whip of my own hurtful words. I hope I can become a writer like I’d like to be and be able to find a way. Maybe the path of least resistance wont’ work for me but I will find a way for my words. Even if it takes me years I will find it.